European Leaders Convene In Brussels To Fiercely Condemn Things They Have Absolutely No Power To Stop

The European Council gathered in Brussels for another flawlessly catered summit dedicated to issuing firmly worded conclusions about global crises. The assembled leaders spent two days bravely exchanging views and firmly demanding that reality behave according to their official preferences. They called on Iran to stop attacking its neighbours, threatening commercial shipping and ignoring its nuclear obligations, apparently believing that religious autocracies routinely adjust their geopolitical strategies upon receiving polite requests from Belgium.

They also condemned the attacks by the Houthi militia, a demand that relies entirely on the assumption that heavily armed insurgents carefully monitor European press releases. The same week, the planned summit between the EU and the Gulf states in Riyadh was postponed, because the Houthis kept attacking Saudi Arabia. The summit successfully produced a comprehensive document detailing exactly how the world should operate, while simultaneously confirming the inability of the European Union to enforce a single paragraph of it.

The bureaucratic choreography remains spectacular. Dozens of motorcades, endless security details and countless diplomatic aides were mobilized simply to inform violent actors in the Middle East that the European Union is feeling quite disappointed in their recent behavior.