Deutsche Bahn Train Arrives on Time, Causing Widespread Panic

Germany's national railway operator has revealed that just 52.4% of its long distance train stops were punctual in September 2026, confirming that arriving at the advertised time is becoming an increasingly ambitious concept.

Deutsche Bahn has, however, developed an ingenious solution: trains arriving up to five minutes and 59 seconds late are officially considered punctual. Apparently, German engineering has reached the stage where the easiest way to improve performance is to negotiate with the clock. The company blames ageing infrastructure, construction work and technical failures. Passengers, meanwhile, have developed elaborate survival strategies involving emergency snacks, alternative connections and the quiet acceptance that a journey from Hamburg to Berlin might require the logistical preparation of a Himalayan expedition.

One can only imagine the confusion if a train actually arrived at its scheduled minute. Passengers would suspect a technical malfunction. Station staff might request medical assistance. Management would probably establish a committee to investigate how the timetable had accidentally become accurate. Deutsche Bahn continues promising improvements, although passengers have learned to interpret these announcements with the same confidence they place in the departure boards.

Perhaps the company should simply remove arrival times altogether, or replace them with three categories: Today, Probably Tomorrow, and Please Stop Asking.